Too much on my mind to go to sleep, so I’m gonna spill a little here.

My DHEA level test result wasn't a mistake.  It is actually off-the-charts.  This is no good.

The three options, as suggested by my doctor, are:

Polycystic Ovarian Syndrome

Of all of them, we’re rooting against this one the most.  This would suck.  If you’re curious, look it up.

Extreme Stress

Uhmm…. yeah.  No one gets points for calling this one.  Kindof obvious... as indicated by the anxiety attacks.  The tricky thing about this is that deciding not to be stressed out is super hard. 

"Don't think about chicken or you're gonna die."

"Okay.......chickenchickenchickenchickenchicken.......crap."

I'm not supposed to stress which makes me stressed out, which stresses me out even more cause it's hurting my body.  Yikes.  I know I need to learn to relax, but it sure would be nice not to have quite this much riding on it.

Insulin Resistance

So really, of the three possible causes, I'm hoping for this one.  As long as it's happening by itself it feels pretty manageable.  But this typically occurs with PCOS (the first one), so.... I don't know.

So I'm waiting to go in for more tests.  More tests for these things, then more for my thyroid, then more for my lungs, then an appointment for my broken tooth.  I'm not complaining.

Okay, I am a little.

I was soaking in the tub last night and held up my pruney hands to look at them.  And they didn't look familiar to me.  I realized it's because my idea of my body is really changing.  It's worked well for so long, and now it's not anymore.  That makes it feel like it's not my body.  But it is, so I have to change my idea of it.  This is so strange to me. 

I'm processing, and I'm a slow processor, so this is gonna drag out.  I'm learning not to find my peace in my good health, and that's scary and unwelcome.  But I'm learning to trust my God, and that's scary and welcome.  Psalm 30 has been my meditation.  God is my rock of refuge.

I have to sleep now.

Too much on my mind to go to sleep, so I’m gonna spill a little here.

My DHEA level test result wasn't a mistake.  *deep breath*  It is actually off-the-charts.  This is no good.

The three options, as suggested by my doctor, are:

Polycystic Ovarian Syndrome

Of all of them, we’re rooting against this one the most.  This would suck.  If you’re curious, look it up.

Extreme Stress

Uhmm…. yeah.  No one gets points for calling this one.  Kindof obvious... as indicated by the anxiety attacks.  The tricky thing about this is that deciding not to be stressed out is super hard. 

"Don't think about chicken or you're gonna die."

"Okay.......chickenchickenchickenchickenchicken.......crap."

I'm not supposed to stress which makes me stressed out, which stresses me out even more cause it's hurting my body.  Yikes.

Insulin Resistance

So really, of the three possible causes, I'm hoping for this one.  It's managable.  And, while it could be bad if I don't treat it, it's not SO serious.

So I'm waiting to go in for more tests.  More tests for these things, then more for my thyroid, then more for my lungs, then an appointment for my broken tooth.  I'm not complaining.

Okay, I am a little.

I was soaking in the tub last night and held up my pruney hands to look at them.  And they didn't look familiar to me.  I realized it's because my idea of my body is really changing.  It's worked well for so long, and now it's not anymore.  That makes it feel like it's not my body.  But it is, so I'm having to change my idea of it.  This is so strange to me.  And I'm waiting for more.  I'm processing, and I'm a slow processor, so this is gonna drag out.  I'm learning not to find my peace in my good health, and that's scary and unwelcome.  But I'm learning to trust my God, and that's scary and welcome.  Psalm 30 has been my meditation.  God is my rock of refuge.

Snapshot:

Arley just flopped down in front of me, pretty contentedly.  He's licking his toes.  I wish I could let him stay out here all night, instead of his pen.  But we'd surely wake the next morning to find that every electrical cord in the downstairs had been murdered.  No thanks.  Now he's licking the floor.  I'm up way too late.  But I feel like there's something to say, I just don't know if I have the committment to stay up long enough to realize it.  This bunny is constantly cleaning himself.  He lives in my livingroom, how dirty can he be?

I was reading through the adrenal fatigue literature that my dr gave me.  On page 2 there was a list of lifestyle changes that help support adrenal gland function.  The last suggestion was a shock to my system. 

"Enjoy your recovery." 

......what??  Not "Don't worry, this will stop sucking once you're better."  But Enjoy right now.  Enjoy right now, while it feels like everything's up in the air.  Right now, while I'm waiting for the answers to questions that feel really important.  Enjoy the time between now and then.  (Let'me talk to myself about "then" for a moment.  When's then actually gonna happen?  Then.  It happens then.  Not now.  Not ever now.  Then and Now will never hold hands.)  So now... what'do I do with now?  Enjoy.

I like it. 

Stop holding your breath.  I like it, it feels good.  Of course, I have to keep turning off the This Sucks song on the Poor Me radio station that plays in my head.  But I can do that. 

Be still and know that I am God.  Let go and know that I am God.  Let go.  Yikes.

*deep breath*

So this means not only turning off that awful radio racket, but turning my face to Yours and opening my eyes.

Again and again and again and again and again and again and again and again and again and again and again and again and again and again and again and again and again and again and again and again and again and again and again and again and again and again and again and again and again and again and again and again and again and again and again and again and again and again and again and again and again and again and again and again and again and again.  And again.

And again.

All who need a place to hide, a place to cry, a place to be safe.  All who are fractured, almost empty, all the way empty, deflated, slumped over, hollowed out, or flat on their backs.  All whose hearts are porous, weeping, silent, worn out, frenzied, or tossed about.  All who are being gobbled up by anger, shadows, silence, business, or bruises.  All who need to be held.  All who need to be warmed.  All who need to be filled.  All who need something sane.  All who need to know they're worth it.  Come and I will not leave you hungry. 

I love you. 

I love you with fierce love that knows and seeks and storms down doors to be near you.  I cry into your darkness to be heard so that you may be safe.  So that you may know me and be with me.  I love you.  I love you with love so vast it more than covers every inch of what is.  So gracious that I break the rules to reach you.  Love so pervasive that it's evident in the fiber of all things good.  So true that it mends places that lies have corroded.  I can give you hope.  Come to me.

²⁸"Come to me, all you who are weary and burdened, and I will give you rest. ²⁹Take my yoke upon you and learn from me, for I am gentle and humble in heart, and you will find rest for your souls. ³⁰For my yoke is easy and my burden is light."  Matthew 11:28-30

Working in a non-air conditioned school with pre-schoolers, in a room with a wall that's completely windows facing south so that we can watch the entire track of the sun from east to west in 107 degree heat while I'm pms'ing..... I don't even know what to say.  This should be reserved as punishment for something really bad.  Really, super bad.